By Count Friedrich von Olsen
I see two of the members of the Chino Valley School Board have become embroiled in a controversy over their constant religious references. Well, I am not about to be outdone. Here goes…
The Pope is touring the Philippines and is on his way to a remote province. His chauffeur has been driving along for miles and miles when he hears a tap on the glass.
He roles the partition down and asks his Holiness what he wants. The Pope informs him that he has been mollycoddled by all of those serving him and what he would most like to do is just drive a car again. The chauffeur reluctantly agrees to sit in back in the Pope’s place and let the leader of the Catholics drive.
After the Pope takes the wheel, he starts off somewhat gingerly, going five or six mile an hour. As he continues, he gains confidence and he increases his speed to ten miles an hour. Then 15. Then 20. He accelerates: 30 mph, 35 mph, 40 mph, 45 mph, 50 miles per hour, then 60, then 70, 80, 90, 100.
The limo blasts past a police officer, a provincial trooper, who uses his radar gun to see that the car is moving at 105 miles per hour and accelerating. The officer turns on his unit’s flashing blue and red lights, hits the siren and gives chase.
When His Holiness sees the flashing lights in his mirror he takes his foot off the gas and slows down, eventually coasting to a stop.
The trooper comes to the driver’s side window, looks in and let’s out a gasp. Saying nothing to the driver, he goes back to his unit and calls the station.
The trooper asks for the chief. When the chief answers, he tells him he has pulled a car over going 105 miles an hour but doesn’t think he should issue a speeding ticket.
“Anyone going that fast gets a ticket,” responds the chief.
“But this is a really important person,” the officer responds.
“Important!” intones the chief. “How important? It’s not my wife, is it?”
“No,” says the officer.
“The mayor’s son again?”
“More important than that.”
“More important than that.”
The chief inquires, “It’s the Governor, is it?”
The trooper responds “No, even more important.”
“It isn’t the President is it?”
“No, more important”, replies the trooper.
“Well, WHO is it!”, screams the chief.
“I don’t know,” says the trooper. “But he’s got the Pope for a chauffeur!”
A young Methodist man had moved to a new town and was interested in joining the local Methodist congregation. He found the local Methodist church and saw the parsonage back behind the place of worship and around to the side. He wanted to introduce himself to the pastor so he went up to the front door of the house and knocked. There was no answer and he was about to leave, but he knocked again and then the door opened.
No one seemed to be there, but then he looked down and saw that the door had been answered by a young girl.
“Is your daddy home?” the man asked.
“He’s over in the church, praying,” said the little girl.
“He must do that a lot,” said the man.
“Not that much,” said the little girl. “it’s just that this morning he got a call and he is being asked to go to a city that is far away where the church is twice as big as this one to become the preacher there. They said they would pay him twice as much money, but he doesn’t know whether he should do it.”
“Why not?” asked the man.
“Well, he has been at this church ten years and he really likes all the people here and they really like him. He says he feels a calling to be here and he’s just not sure that he should go to the big city. So, he’s over in the church to see what the Lord wants him to do.”
“Oh,” said the man. “Where’s your mommy?”
“She’s upstairs packing,” said the girl.
Did you hear about the new liberal Episcopal church?
It has six commandments and four suggestions.
An Anglican minister walking along a cliff fell over. He managed to grab a branch and could see the rocks five hundred feet below him. So he decided he had better pray. He looked up to heaven and said, “Is there anybody up there?” A loud voice came from heaven “Let go thy hand and I will hold thee up.” The minister thought for a minute and looked up again “Is there anybody else up there?”
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. “I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer. “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.” “I thank thee,” replied the Amish lady. “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home.”
“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals, so you should have your husband check that too.”
“Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home.” True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on it immediately. “Also,” said the Amish woman, “The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake.”