When General George S. Patton said that “Politicians are the lowest form of human life and Democrats are the lowest form of politician,” I don’t think he was joking. But people can take it that way. In the spirit of that great general, I will devote this column to not talking politics too seriously…
Q. What’s the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A. Bo has papers…
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.
Q: What’s the difference between a Democrat and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline…
A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.
The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican’s pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars…
You Might Be A Democrat If…
You’ve never been mugged.
You actually expect to collect Social Security.
You think the Free Market is where they hand out Government cheese.
You’d rather own Birkenstock than Merck Stock.
You know that Jefferson really meant to say “Entitled to Happiness.”
You think the Flat Tax should be at 95%…
Q: What’s the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes…
A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. “Mary,” says the teacher with surprise, “why didn’t you raise your hand?” Because I’m not a Republican,” says Mary. “Well, what are you?” asks the teacher. “I’m a Democrat and proud of it,” replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. “My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?” she asks. “Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I’m a Democrat, too.” “Well,” says the teacher in an annoyed tone, “that’s no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don’t always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?” Mary smiled. “Then we’d be Republicans.”
Q. If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it
started to sink, who would be saved?
A Democrat walks into a doctor’s office with a frog sitting on his head.
The frog looks at the doctor and says, “Hey doc , can you get this wart off my ass?
Q: What’s the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead Democrat in the road?
A: Vultures will eat the skunk…
What is the difference between a Russian optimist, pessimist and realist?
The optimist studies English.
The pessimist studies Chinese.
The realist stays home and cleans his Kalashnikov…
Q: What’s the difference between a Democrat and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish…
Two politician are having lunch together, all of a sudden one stood up and shouted, “Your lying.”
The other replied, “I know but just hear me out…”
Q. What’s the difference between Obama’s cabinet and a penitentiary?
A. One is fille ‘Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy’. d with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners…
Q: What do you get when you cross a pilgrim with a democrat?
A: A god-fearing tax collector who gives thanks for what other people have…
A bus of politicians is driving by a farm where a man lives alone. The bus driver, caught up in the beautiful scenery, loses control and crashes into the ditch. The man comes out and finding the politicians, buries them.
The next day, the police are at the farm questioning the man. “So you buried all the politicians?” asked the police officer. “Were they all dead?”
To which the man replied, “Some said they weren’t, but you know how politicians lie…”
Declaration of Independence Reply
The Court of King George III
July 10, 1776
Mr. Thomas Jefferson
c/o The Continental Congress
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your “Declaration of Independence” with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase “the Laws of Nature and Nature`s God.” What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the “opinions of mankind.” Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the “opinions of mankind” are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be “self-evident.” Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that “among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years,” these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that “Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government….” Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies “ought to be Free and Independent States,” and that they are “Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.” Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Anne`s War.
10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your “Declaration of Independence.” We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.
Management Analyst to the British Crown