Little Johnny
Has A Hero

By Phill Courtney

There was a time in this country when many adults thought that one of the qualities a president of these United States should possess was the ability to be a role model for our children. A president should be honest, forthright; courteous in word and deed; capable of showing genuine empathy for the suffering of others; and, of course, always show respect for his wife—or wives, as the case may be.
In other words, an admirable and upstanding citizen (at least in public), who could model such behavior for our children.
Presidents like Honest Abe Lincoln and Jimmy Carter, who was, at 95, still building homes for the homeless, and the way President Obama both spoke to those he disagreed with and the way he’s treated his wife, come to mind.
Parents traditionally wanted such a president so he (and, yes, up until now, always a “he,” but that may change one of these days) could inspire such worthy behavior in their children. It enabled many a parent through the years to tell their children that often-heard phrase: “Someday, you too, could grow up to be president.”
Well, apparently, those days are now long gone as many Americans (including millions who claim to have “Christian values”) flocked to a man who repeatedly lies; cheated many in business deals; has used and abused women whenever he could; and has never met someone he didn’t like that he couldn’t insult. Amazingly (and appallingly), millions of those same Americans then helped to move that man into the White House not just once, but twice!
But, as a wise person once observed: choices have consequences, and some of those consequences were noticed at one of our elementary schools during this past academic year. Recently, The Almanac gained access (and don’t ask us how) to an email exchange between the principal of that school and the parents of a certain student named Johnny (his name has been changed to protect the guilty), which has helped to clarify some of those consequences.
TO: Mr. and Mrs. Smith
FROM: Principal Adam Morgan—Lincoln Elementary School
SUBJECT: Your son, Johnny.
DATE: February 21, 2025 5:16 PM

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Smith:
It has come to my attention that your second-grade son Johnny has been exhibiting a pattern of behavior which has proven to be, how shall we say, disconcerting to his teachers and some of his fellow students. Case in point: the other day Johnny was observed pulling the ponytails of a number of girls out on the playground.
When he was called to the side by one of the teachers on supervision duty that day, Johnny defended his behavior by claiming that the girls wanted him to do it, and when one of those who didn’t and expressed to Johnny quite clearly that she didn’t (candidly: she tried to slap him), he was heard to say: “Oh, cut the bull-pucky! You know you wanted it!”
Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I’m requesting that you have a sit-down talk with Johnny and express to him that behavior such as this and such an attitude about it is not appropriate here at Lincoln Elementary. I’m confident that such a talk with you can rectify this situation.
Sincerely, Mr. Morgan

To: Mr. and Mrs. Smith
From: Principal Adam Morgan
Subject: Your son, Johnny’s continuing conduct at school
Date: February 25, 2025 4:12 PM

Greetings Mr. and Mrs. Smith:
I was hoping that I might hear from you by now, but you apparently either did not receive my recent email or chose not to respond. I am urging you to do so because we need to communicate so I can express some of my concerns about Johnny.
Unfortunately, if you did have that discussion with him which I urged you to have, it has apparently resulted in no observable effect on his behavior here at school whatsoever.
Example: the other day he was playing marbles in a circle of boys and offered to buy what he said was their quote: “best, perfect and amazing” marbles. After some of them handed him several of those marbles so, he said, he could inspect them, Johnny picked up his own marbles and then walked away with theirs. When a couple of them objected to this misappropriation of their marbles, they reported back to their teacher that he then raised a clenched fist, continued to walk away, and shouted: “So sue me!”
Again, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, I urge you to contact me. If I don’t hear from you by email, I may then be compelled to call you at home.
Yours, Mr. Morgan

To: Mr. and Mrs. Smith
From: Principal Adam Morgan
Subject: Johnny’s latest conduct at school
Date: March 5, 2025 3:02 PM

With concern to the Smiths:

Unfortunately, I have yet to receive a response from you, but I have another report on Johnny. I’ve now been told that Johnny also exhibits a proclivity for name-calling, put-downs, and derogatory nicknames applied to his fellow students.
For instance, the other day he referred to a student who is calorically challenged (in other words, he’s overweight) as, and I quote, “Fatty Freddy.” Then a teacher reported to me that he called another student who is vertically challenged (in other words he’s short), and again I quote: “Little Mario.”
Then, and perhaps most egregiously of all, he has made fun of several mainstreamed students here at Lincoln Elementary who are differently enabled—or, as some educators still say: “physically challenged,” or as was once said: “handicapped,” and, years ago: crippled. For instance, he has mocked and taunted Carol, who has a spinal curvature, both by imitating that curvature, and most shocking of all to me, calling her “Crooked Carol.”
Expect my call. —Mr. Morgan

To: Mr. and Mrs. Smith
From: Principal Adam Morgan
Subject: Johnny’s unacceptable behavior and my frustration
Date: March 7, 2025 1: 12 PM

Mr. and Mrs. Smith:

Apparently, you chose to also ignore my call the other night. I did hear your message machine and know for certain that I left a message, so this has baffled me.
I have urged you to talk to Johnny because his behavior must change. I can also report to you that I have now met with him in my office after a number of interventions by teachers, such as some time-outs and one teacher (and I must add that I did not condone this) placed some tape over his mouth and locked him in closet (for just a brief period of time she assured me). And, yes, I have spoken to that teacher, and while I can understand her reaction, I have told her that this must not happen again.
When Johnny reported to my office, I must also tell you that his demeanor and attitude was surly and almost haughty; as if he was my superior and I was his subordinate. As a matter of fact, after I read him the list of school behavior violations he’s committed—which included the latest when one of his teachers caught him changing a test grade from an F to an A—with a Sharpie pen—he pursed his lips; put a distinct scowl on his face; and said it was all made up; fake stories by teachers and students who just don’t like him and then said, and again this is an exact quotation: “But what do I care? You’re a second-rate principal anyway!”
At this point I told him he could leave, took a time-out myself, and then spent several moments composing myself amid my own mounting emotions in order to determine what further actions I could take.
Smiths, this may seem like a reach, but it appears to me that your Johnny is emulating many of the behavior patterns exhibited by our current president, and because of that and because of your continued silence, I will have to insist that Johnny undergo some psychological evaluations.
Of course, such evaluations must be approved of by you. In the meantime, since I still haven’t heard from you, I am recommending that Johnny be placed on home suspension pending what could even be a possible expulsion approved of and in coordination with other outside school administrators at the district office.
Obviously, we must hear from you immediately if we’re to avoid such an outcome or those administrators and even, possibly, some outside authorities will be notified.
With frustration, Mr. Morgan

To: Mr. Morgan
From: Mrs. Smith
Subject: Johnny’s right and Johnny’s rights
Date: March 8, 2025 12:13 AM

Hey Morgan:
I didn’t want to do this because my husband’s a busy man and doesn’t like to deal with a lot of nonsense here at home, but I’ve shared your snooty series of emails about Johnny with him and he agrees with me: screw you. We also want you to know that we resent your snide comparison of our son’s behavior to the president’s. How dare you! Yes, Mr. Smith and I are still loyal supporters of the greatest president this country has ever seen, as you should be, and, yeah—we get it—that reference to him shows us where you stand.
Like we do for our president, we also support our son completely and we couldn’t care less if he stood in the middle of the playground and shot spit wads at every single loser in your so-called school. And, as far as we’re concerned, you’re a loser too since you obviously couldn’t get any better job than riding herd on a bunch of snotty school kids.
As for that possible expulsion: forget it, because, again, we couldn’t care less. As a matter of fact, it’s terrific that Johnny will now be home because he can help us pack up. We’re moving to a part of the country you’d probably put down as “backwards,” but we want to get out of this sicko state filled with a bunch of liberal loony-tunes. In the meantime, we may consider getting in touch with a lawyer about Johnny and this wacked-out attack on his character.
Goodbye and good riddance. Mrs. Smith
To: Mrs. Smith
From: Principal Morgan
Subject: Best wishes with the move
Date: March 9, 2025 8:33 AM

Mrs. Smith- (and the Mr.):
Perhaps a cabin way out in the woods, protected by some assault rifles, may be just what you’re looking for. Good ridda—pardon me—I mean good luck to you, your husband and, of course, little Johnny.
—Mr. Morgan

TO: the District School Board
FROM: Dr. Aaron Rafferty
SUBJECT: Principal Adam Morgan’s leave of absence
DATE: March 11, 2025 9:16 AM

To Whom it May Concern at the District School Board:
This is to inform you that due to unforeseen circumstances beyond his control, and in my capacity as Mr. Morgan’s personal psychiatrist, I have recommended that he take an indefinite leave of absence due to nervous exhaustion brought on by some disconcerting events at his school, the details of which we will not go into here. Pending further outcomes, and after a period of rest being taken at my urging, I will appraise you of further developments and any possibility of his future return.
Sincerely, Dr. Rafferty

Phill Courtney was a high school English teacher for many years, and twice a candidate for Congress with the Green party. His email is: pjcourtney1311@gmail.com

(This column was originally written by Phill as an exercise in personal therapy, then performed last year with some of his Almanac actors during one of his Inland Empire Almanac staged variety shows. The next show in Redlands is scheduled for Friday night, April 24th followed by a matinee videotaping at 2 pm the next day. Please email Phill if you’d like further details.)